Sunday, November 11, 2012

Seeking peace...

It seems that I am following a theme here, but that's okay.  I tend to write about what's on my mind and in my heart.  I don't have many people following this blog, but the ones that I do have, I really love and appreciate.  If you read my blog, and you like what you read, why not follow?  Why not even comment?  It will certainly make me happy, and you know it will make you happy too.

There are times when I struggle to feel happy.  Even though I feel that we can choose to feel happier, there are often things that hinder making that choice.  Sometimes I struggle because my life situation is not what or where I would like or need it to be.  Other times, it is because there are people that I love who are struggling and that makes me sad.  Sometimes, it's simply that the chemicals sloshing around in my brain are not sloshing the way they should. 

It's funny because there are times when I feel happy or content when I have every reason not to.  I don't get it, but I take it when it comes and I run with it.

One thing that I used to do a lot of is reading.  I have not read anything for pleasure for a very long time, and I wonder if I still can.  Part of the reason is my masters program... 'nuff said.  Another reason is that I am working on a novel, and I don't want my story 'corrupted' by other literary influences.  That is, I don't want what I am reading to creep into what I am writing.  I am starting to revise my thinking on that, though.  I miss reading, and the feeling of peace that often comes from doing so.  Yes, sometimes I do it purely just to escape, and that is alright.  Other times I read for the simple pleasure of reading a good story.  These two reasons might seem the same, but there are significant differences.

So I think I will both write and read, and see where that takes me.  It's funny how this post started out one way, and seemed to end in a completely different way... but then again, maybe it's not...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Back in the saddle...

I sometimes find myself at a loss for words, and those that know me would find that hard to believe.  Well, the proof of the plum is in the pudding as they say, and my online silence has been very plum like.  'Nuff said.

I have had the opportunity to spend the last year and a half with my daughter and I have been both spoiled and blessed.  I will soon be returning to the workforce and I will be leaving behind the freedom of well... freedom.  My daughter and I would frolic through the forests, or play in the park.  On cold days we would play games inside, or watch a movie or two.  In many ways I was able to live a childhood that I never had, and I am grateful for the wonderful bond I have made with my daughter.  I am trying to live the words of the late great Doctor Seuss, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  I know that I was given a gift, and I will always cherish it. 

Having said this, I am struggling somewhat with the change that is taking place in my life, but I know that change is relatively short.  Nothing ever stays new, time passes and experiences become familiar until they are like a pair of comfortable shoes that are holey and worn, but feel ever so good on our feet.  However, this can only happen if we give it the chance.  That doesn't mean that change will be easy, it just means that with time it ceases to be change, and it becomes the norm, the regular, the way things are and have been.  So it is normal to feel uncomfortable with change and newness at first, because like those shoes, they need to broken in.  This may mean blisters and soreness at first, but there will come a time when we will find it hard to remember what it was like without it in our lives.

I don't want it to sound like I have mastered this.  There are times when life is so difficult that I feel that it may become almost unbearable.  Sometimes, I would do anything to make the hard things in life go away.  I wish that I could say that I face all my problems with my chin up, back straight, and a glint in my eye, but I would be lying.  There are times that I feel like curling up in the foetal position in the dark, sucking my thumb and waiting for the daylight to come.  I am fairly positive that we all have those moments, so I can say this unashamedly.  This does not mean that I do so because then that would be letting life crush me and that is never an option.

What I can say is that I will do my best.  I will stumble, I will feel afraid at times, but I will also feel joy, excitement, and the exultation of overcoming difficulties.  I may fall off of the horse at times, but as often as possible, I will climb back in the saddle...